Howdy friends... lots on my mind tonight so I'm writing an actual post of substance. Weird, huh.
My friend Justine says that there are two types of people in the world: value-adders and value-subtractors. You're either bringing something worthwhile to my table, or you're taking away from what's already there.
When you throw a party or plan dinner or a night out, do you want to bring the person that will kick things up a notch and make sure everyone has a great time, or do you want the person who is going to bitch and moan and ruin it for everyone?
Now that's not to say that in order to be a value-adder you have to be the life of the party.... far from it. Some people add value to your life by being the person who is very fun, but oftentimes it's the friend who is always there for you or who can always cheer you up or who you know will listen to your ridiculous worries and stresses without making you feel ridiculous. And the value-subtractors? Well, life's too short. I've known a few subtractors over the years, and for the ones that I can think of, there's a reason our friendships faded/fizzled/ended.
As for what makes someone a value-adder... it's hard to say. I've made a lot of friends in my 27 years, and at this point I think I can sum it up (math pun, heyo!) by saying that my friends are generally people I want to be WITH and that I want to be LIKE.
I would say out of most of my closest friends, their number one quality in common is that they all make me laugh. But it's not just that... there's always something else. It's more than just making me laugh, it's how they handle when life really shits on you. And if you can still make me laugh and put a smile on my face when life has really thrown some shit your way? Well, you're the friend that I aspire to be like.
I've been thinking a lot about this lately, because I've been thrown a decent amount of shit recently-ish. And over the last year or so I've been feeling a little lost. Sometimes I think I've been thrown a lot of shit, but then I look around and see how people have handled things a gazillion times worse than what I'm going through, or even just how they handled stuff that isn't so bad, and I'm inspired to do better. I'm inspired to stop feeling lost and do something about it, and to get up and move on and stop feeling sorry for myself, because maaaan can I wallow in my misery with the best of em.
A girl I went to high school with was engaged in 2007 when her fiance was killed by a roadside bomb in Iraq. Her fiance was actually the older brother of two girls that I played basketball with in high school, so I've kept up with the whole family in an odd sort of way. The way that she handled that horrible awful situation and the way that she has moved on with her life since then has blown me away. She has been the epitome of everything that one strives to be in life - Godly, grateful, compassionate, positive, and so many other things that I can't even put into words. She has handled every part of her life with such grace, I think that there's no way we can be the same age.
Another friend who hasn't had any major life changing event, but just what seems like blow after blow after blow, but doesn't give up. Of course she's told me multiple times that she's on the verge and is going to lose it, but she never does. She's been through job layoffs, had to sell her house, move in with in her awful in-laws, be apart from her significant other as he works crappy jobs trying to get them back on their feet, deal with a parent with cancer, etc. And it makes me mad because it isn't fair. It isn't fair that all these crappy people get good jobs and fun weddings and happy marriages and get to take fun vacations and do all the things that you're supposed to be able to do when you've done everything right in your life. It sucks. But she doesn't give up, because you just don't give up. You keep plugging along, because it won't be shitty forever, right? And even if it's been shitty for a long time, that doesn't mean that there isn't plenty to laugh at.
Another friend I actually had the pleasure of seeing this weekend... I have written about Courtney before, whose daughter Brenna was born in December with a very rare and very serious skin disease called harlequin ichthyosis. Life is really really hard for Courtney right now. She has a wonderful husband and great parents and in-laws and friends, but there are no two ways about it, life is hard. Brenna's health is a new battle all the time. They're basically either feeding or trying to feed her 24/7, and she requires an unbelievable amount of care. Courtney doesn't pretend that things are easy or that they're doing great, but when I read her writing and especially when I see her take care of her babies, I know that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that it's hard and that the feeding tube sucks and that she's exhausted and stressed, she does it all because she would do anything for them. And I can honestly say that if I am ever half of the mother that Courtney is to her babies, I will have the most loved and taken care of children in the world. And I will also be very very tired, ha! And even though life is tough and things are hard, we were still able to go out, have a few drinks, tell funny stories about college, and have a good time.
And because pictures make any blog post better - here's a pic of Courtney and me from the Miranda Lambert concert on Saturday night!
(sidenote - if you are a Country fan and ever get a chance to go see Miranda... DO IT. this was the second time I've seen her this summer and it was AMAZING both times)
I guess it seems a little cheesy/weird to say that I have friends that I look up to so much, but really I just try to remember how lucky I am. I am constantly surrounded by and reminded of the the people I want to be. And even when things get shitty, I know I'm not the only one.
Constantly working to be a value-adder,
LF
My friend Justine says that there are two types of people in the world: value-adders and value-subtractors. You're either bringing something worthwhile to my table, or you're taking away from what's already there.
When you throw a party or plan dinner or a night out, do you want to bring the person that will kick things up a notch and make sure everyone has a great time, or do you want the person who is going to bitch and moan and ruin it for everyone?
Now that's not to say that in order to be a value-adder you have to be the life of the party.... far from it. Some people add value to your life by being the person who is very fun, but oftentimes it's the friend who is always there for you or who can always cheer you up or who you know will listen to your ridiculous worries and stresses without making you feel ridiculous. And the value-subtractors? Well, life's too short. I've known a few subtractors over the years, and for the ones that I can think of, there's a reason our friendships faded/fizzled/ended.
As for what makes someone a value-adder... it's hard to say. I've made a lot of friends in my 27 years, and at this point I think I can sum it up (math pun, heyo!) by saying that my friends are generally people I want to be WITH and that I want to be LIKE.
I would say out of most of my closest friends, their number one quality in common is that they all make me laugh. But it's not just that... there's always something else. It's more than just making me laugh, it's how they handle when life really shits on you. And if you can still make me laugh and put a smile on my face when life has really thrown some shit your way? Well, you're the friend that I aspire to be like.
I've been thinking a lot about this lately, because I've been thrown a decent amount of shit recently-ish. And over the last year or so I've been feeling a little lost. Sometimes I think I've been thrown a lot of shit, but then I look around and see how people have handled things a gazillion times worse than what I'm going through, or even just how they handled stuff that isn't so bad, and I'm inspired to do better. I'm inspired to stop feeling lost and do something about it, and to get up and move on and stop feeling sorry for myself, because maaaan can I wallow in my misery with the best of em.
A girl I went to high school with was engaged in 2007 when her fiance was killed by a roadside bomb in Iraq. Her fiance was actually the older brother of two girls that I played basketball with in high school, so I've kept up with the whole family in an odd sort of way. The way that she handled that horrible awful situation and the way that she has moved on with her life since then has blown me away. She has been the epitome of everything that one strives to be in life - Godly, grateful, compassionate, positive, and so many other things that I can't even put into words. She has handled every part of her life with such grace, I think that there's no way we can be the same age.
Another friend who hasn't had any major life changing event, but just what seems like blow after blow after blow, but doesn't give up. Of course she's told me multiple times that she's on the verge and is going to lose it, but she never does. She's been through job layoffs, had to sell her house, move in with in her awful in-laws, be apart from her significant other as he works crappy jobs trying to get them back on their feet, deal with a parent with cancer, etc. And it makes me mad because it isn't fair. It isn't fair that all these crappy people get good jobs and fun weddings and happy marriages and get to take fun vacations and do all the things that you're supposed to be able to do when you've done everything right in your life. It sucks. But she doesn't give up, because you just don't give up. You keep plugging along, because it won't be shitty forever, right? And even if it's been shitty for a long time, that doesn't mean that there isn't plenty to laugh at.
Another friend I actually had the pleasure of seeing this weekend... I have written about Courtney before, whose daughter Brenna was born in December with a very rare and very serious skin disease called harlequin ichthyosis. Life is really really hard for Courtney right now. She has a wonderful husband and great parents and in-laws and friends, but there are no two ways about it, life is hard. Brenna's health is a new battle all the time. They're basically either feeding or trying to feed her 24/7, and she requires an unbelievable amount of care. Courtney doesn't pretend that things are easy or that they're doing great, but when I read her writing and especially when I see her take care of her babies, I know that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that it's hard and that the feeding tube sucks and that she's exhausted and stressed, she does it all because she would do anything for them. And I can honestly say that if I am ever half of the mother that Courtney is to her babies, I will have the most loved and taken care of children in the world. And I will also be very very tired, ha! And even though life is tough and things are hard, we were still able to go out, have a few drinks, tell funny stories about college, and have a good time.
And because pictures make any blog post better - here's a pic of Courtney and me from the Miranda Lambert concert on Saturday night!
I guess it seems a little cheesy/weird to say that I have friends that I look up to so much, but really I just try to remember how lucky I am. I am constantly surrounded by and reminded of the the people I want to be. And even when things get shitty, I know I'm not the only one.
Constantly working to be a value-adder,
LF
As someone who has had a really difficult 3 years, this post hits home for me. I try to always be a value-adder, even when I am on the brink of quitting my life, but it can be tough. Like you, I have other friends who have held it together under horrible circumstances and inspire me to face my challenges with as much grace and poise as they have.
ReplyDeleteThis might sound funny, but here's a way you're a value-adder that you might not have thought about: I really admire how honest you are when things are going terribly, instead of sugar-coating everything. I generally clam up when I am having a tough time and avoid the internet, interacting with folks, etc. when I am down. It can be hard when lots of people only throw up the highlight reels ("New job!" "New fiance!" "New house!" "New baby!"), and you feel like you're the only one who can't get your life together (and hi, I'm 30). I'm sure you aren't throwing it all out there, but even just admitting when things are tough helps to remind other people going through tough days/weeks/months/years that they aren't alone. I appreciate that you celebrate the good things, and that you admit when things are tough. And I hope that everyone having crappy days lately has lots of good things to celebrate soon:)
There is a LOT of stuff going on in my life right now (not that any of it is even bad, just a lot) and I'm not gonna lie - it's SO easy to admit defeat and wallow in woe-is-me. (Not that that was even remotely proper English language.)
ReplyDeleteBasically, I'm trying to say that I love this post. And I'm sorry things are kinda crappy right now. That means the good is coming soon, right?!
This post brings to mind something a dear friend said to me many years ago. She was going through a very tough time and while talking to a group of girls someone said something about life not being fair to good people and her response was, "Why not me? We always say why me, but really, what makes me special that I shouldn't have to deal with heartache and tough circumstances?"
ReplyDeleteThis philosophy kept coming to mind when I was in the midst of a high-risk pregnancy out of nowhere and then had a preemie in the NICU. I also think about it a lot when sealing with her breathing problems. I mean, really, why not me that I should have this "bad" stuff in my life. Sometimes you need to look around and see how good your bad is compared to others' bad.
And, I agree with Shannon, keeping it real about the bad and/or hard is what more people nee to do. By only showing the good or the great (as many bloggers do) it makes it seem as if there are people with no problems. We all have them, it's just a matter of how you choose to respond.
This is one of your best posts. It helped me wake up and put things in perspective this morning. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI too applaud you for keeping it real. It does add value. I've even been tempted to ask your opinion on something because I knew you'd be real with me but refrained. It's easy to forget I don't know you in real life and that might be a little weird ha.
ReplyDeleteThe truly great friends are the ones who leave a mark on your life that never goes away, even if they are no longer around or with us at all. I hope I'm that kind of friend, because I know I couldn't live without the few that are like that in my life!
ReplyDeleteLovely post with a great message! It is not cheesy or weird to say you have friends you look up to. It's wonderful! It is an incredible gift to have those kinds of people in your life. I know exactly what you are talking about. My best friend of 18 years is one of those value adders who has been through enough crap to fill a cesspool and yet, she keeps on going. I look up to her in so many ways and am beyond grateful to have her in my life.
ReplyDeleteIt is never cheesy or weird to appreciate your friends and to let them know you do! Love this post!!
I enjoy your honest posts. Thanks for introducing me to Courtney. I had to go check out her blog. Her daughter is adorable. Mothering is hard to begin with....I can't imagine how much harder when your sweet baby has health problems. You are right. Courtney is an amazing mother.
ReplyDelete