Halloween preparations are underway...

Happy Halloween Weekend!

I am already starting to get stomach cramps from laughing so hard....
I have gotten absolutely ridiculous text messages today.

This AM from Brad: 

"What size bra do you think I wear?"

Earlier this afternoon from Rocky:

"I am wearing gloves, but what color do you think I should paint my toes? My dress is red. Red polish? And do you have any red polish I can use?"

And about 5 minutes ago from our favorite ER doctor, Doctor Jason:

"Do you have a pink dress I can borrow?

And of course...
Yesterday I got this e-mail from one of the members of the "Miss America" group Halloween costume showing us his trial run with his dress and makeup.

Good Grief.

Remind me again why I was so against Halloween for so long?
This is going to be a shitshow.

Proof of Evil

Some of you may remember the blogger known as It Is Everlasting.  She stopped blogging back at the end of April, but we have kept in touch. Mrs. Everlasting (Maggie) is a nanny.  She is constantly e-mailing me with tales from the kids that she watches. 

She watches a toddler girl who is sweet as pie, and her first-grade brother, who Maggie proclaims over and over again is a sociopath. She tells me stories of his psychotic behavior and how he acts like a darling angel to his parents, and then once they leave he acts like a total monster to her. So the parents never believe her when she tells them how awful he is and that he tried to stab her with a fork, etc. 

SO Maggie is convinced that this kid is a sociopath, and is going to grow up to be some sort of a homicidal maniac. I always kind of laughed at her stories because they're funny, and I've babysat plenty of WILD little boys in my many years of babysitting who are definitely not homicidal maniacs.... and then yesterday I get this e-mail.

This came home in the first graders school folder. His homework from last week:

I am now convinced. 

Elle has a really tough life

Today I bought Elle a new bed. Giant dog beds are really expensive, and she's ruined the last couple expensive ones that she's had (peeing from steroids), so I picked up one for 40 bucks at Petco. It's pretty small, but she usually hangs off the bed anyway, so I figured she can make do.

Here's what Elle thinks of her new bed:

If she could talk she'd say "Go to Hell, Mom."

The Texas Rangers are going to the World Series

And as a native Dallasite, I'm thrilled. Mostly because I'm old friends with Nolan Ryan.

This is 5 year old Legally Fabulous, after a softball lesson with Nolan at the old Ballpark in Arlington. My mom says this: 

"My memory of this...I told [Legally Fab] she was having her pic taken with Nolan Ryan. She said. Who's that? Putting it in 5 year olds terms, I said, he's the "new kids on the block" of baseball. 

THEN she was impressed!"

Planning for Halloween:

So I'm not sure if I've mentioned my Halloween costume yet....

This is a BIG DEAL for me, because this is the first year I'm dressing up since MIDDLE SCHOOL. I generally HATE halloween. I hate skanks. And that's what Halloween is. Skanks parading around in very little clothing.

But this year is different. Some of my nearest and dearest gays are dressing up as Miss America contestants, and I was invited to join.

The text of the original e-mail:

Fellow Miss America Contestants:

 

You're receiving this email because you have been crowned as the pageant winner for your respective state at one time or another throughout our 90 years and was in the running to be chosen Miss America and wear the famous four-pointed crown. The four points of the crown stand for Service, Style, Scholarship, and Success

(yes, I have been very productive at work today)

So, here is the rundown I need to know the following from you:

 

PLEASE RESPOND

State:

Year of Entry:

Sash option: (homemade/original)

crown option: (Original/Cheap Alt/no crown)

 

Let me know if there is anyone that I didnt send this email to that is participating because clearly the best way for this to work and us not look like random washed up trannies is for all of the contestants to have the same look & feel.  If you're a multiple state representative thats fine because your year and your "look" will differentiate you. (ie. Miss Wisconsin's) My long sleeve blackvelvet gown and big curly brown hair will represent Miss Ohio 1988 quite well.

 I just couldn't turn this down. 7 gay guys and me, in gowns. With sashes and tiaras. Should be hilarious. And if I'm not the best looking beauty queen, I'm going to off myself. (seriously).  And of course, I am going as Miss Texas 2010.

Brad, the ringleader, is taking his costume pretty seriously. And by pretty seriously I mean I don't even want to discuss the amount of time and money he has put in to it. (one of the advantages of this costume for me - I just had to buy a tiara and a sash. I already have makeup, long hair, shoes, etc. The guys are having to buy alllll this stuff). I will be purchasing a bumpit though. I MUST have Big Texas Hair!

This morning Brad and I were discussing undergarments. Because every beauty queen (Miss Ohio in Brad's case), needs proper slimming gear to look her best. 

I'm sharing the gchat with you (hope my dear friend Miss Ohio doesn't mind!)

Brad: so should i go with the L or XL spanx? it says dress size 10-12 for L but those measurements are closer to mine, but i think i was a 13-14 dress

 me: i think 10-12 si fine

  L

  bc you're not hippy

  like women are

 Brad: LD

 me: and you don't have a fat ass

  like women do

11:58 AM Brad: will i be able to breath in this thing

 me: no.

  lol

  also

  you don't really need spanx

  you can just get regular hose

  go to walgreens and just get a control top pair

  spanx are expensive

 Brad: shapers?

11:59 AM lol im going to get this

  http://www.spanx.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3053554&cp=2992553.3026774&parentPage=family

 me: lol

12:00 PM [dude] has a serious new york acceent

12:01 PM i'm gonna have to take him to texas

  and break him of it

12:02 PM Brad: lol big ol texas howdy

  http://www.target.com/Beyond-Barely-There-Hi-Waist-Shaping/dp/B003A46ECG/ref=br_1_28?ie=UTF8&node=293487011&sessionID=183-0203235-3733669&searchSize=30&searchView=grid3&searchPage=1&sr=1-28&qid=1287766861&rh=&searchBinNameList=style_name%2Ctarget_com_size-bin%2Ctarget_com_primary_color-bin%2Cprice%2Ctarget_com_brand-bin&searchRank=salesrank&frombrowse=1

  what about these

12:03 PM me: lol

  those are fine

  i like the ones with legs

  that are like compression shorts

  so you don't get wedgies

  and so my thighs don't rub together

  obviously you're not worried about your thighs

  but

12:04 PM http://www.spanx.com/product/index.jsp?productId=4483810&cp=2992553.4033382&parentPage=family

 Brad: well i like those too, but my issue was peeing

 me: lol

 Brad: and this way i can just pull it to the side

  lol

12:05 PM me: lol

 Brad: ugh the target one online only comes in white

12:06 PM me: haha

  if i were you

  i would jsut get regular pantyhose

  control top

  that way you don't have to shave your legs

 Brad: i already got my hose

 me: oh

12:07 PM well you def. don't need spanx and hose

  it's a one or the other thing

  you don't wear them together

 Brad: well thats why i was going to wear that undies one that goes up and then my hose over it bc they barely go up to my crotch as it is

 me: lol

  well then you didn't get big enough hose

12:08 PM Brad: it was plus girl size

 me: lol

 Brad: they dont make them for 6'

  2

 me: lol

  i bet they do

12:09 PM Brad: well not at beatnix where i bought the damn hose

 me: lol

5 minutes

12:14 PM me: http://www.target.com/ASSETS-Sara-Blakely-Perfect-Pantyhose/dp/B000CRDC24/ref=br_1_9?ie=UTF8&node=86318011&sessionID=181-3814062-4390542&searchSize=30&searchView=grid3&searchPage=1&sr=1-9&qid=1287767547&rh=&searchBinNameList=style_name,target_com_size-bin,target_com_primary_color-bin,price,target_com_brand-bin&searchRank=salesrank&frombrowse=1

  assets is target brand spanx

  they're just as good as spanx

12:15 PM http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/2794829?origin=category&resultback=202

12:16 PM Brad: those arent the undies version i cant have the shorts

I can't WAIT to show you guys pictures!!!

"ruff" Tuesday

I started out titling this post "Rough Tuesday" but then I made a punny joke and now I'm sitting on my couch cracking myself up.

But this is actually not that funny....

I was taking Elle outside and she tried to play with another dog who lives in the building. He apparently was not interested in playing with her because he "ruffed" her up a little bit and now she has a bloody noggin.

Poor Ellebaby.  :(

Exciting stuff

Big news peeps... I met a dude this weekend. I am referring to him as "Dude" on twitter, so I will refer to him as that here too.
He's tall. and cute. really cute. We met Saturday night and he started texting me Sunday afternoon and was like what are you doing, wanna hang out, etc. (!!!!). Then he said "okay well I'm going to Mass at 5, so I'll call you after."

Omg. Hold the phone. A 28 year old tall man with a job who goes to Mass?!

So last night he called me and was like what are you doing, can I grab a bottle of wine and come over? So he did... and he's really funny. And he said he will call me again this week.

And of course the first thing my friend says when I tell her about this is "OMG! Why are you being so nonchalant about this! This is huge!" And I obviously say well I'm trying not to be too excited about it in case he never calls or something. Or turns out to be a serial killer, etc. Oh, and then she says -

"and PLEASE tell me you took the giant blow up self portraits above your bed* down."

Uhhh... whoopsies. I definitely didn't. HA!

Sorry Dude, hope you can love me as much as I love me. 

And then: 

"Oh also, is your twitter privatized? I'm trying to protect him from you for your own good."

HA!

He said he will call me later this week... fingers crossed, I see lots of potential here!

*... uhhh.. yeah. I have 4 Andy Warhol style giant portraits of myself hanging on the wall above my bed.  As the great Terrell Owens once said, "I love me some me."

More thankfulness...

Continuing with Monday's post, today I am writing more about the things that I am thankful for! And once again, my twitter and blog friends stole the show!

My friend 3barefeet tweeted a couple of weeks ago that her son, "Monkey", was supposed to bring something that started with an "E" for show and tell at school. Monkey asked if he could bring Elle to show and tell! How cute is that? Unfortunately Monkey lives in Colorado, so Elle wasn't able to make it for Show and Tell (too bad, Elle loves kids! and she would have been a hit!), but I e-mailed Monkey some pictures of Elle to take!

As a thank you (since, ya know, I worked REALLY hard on sending those pics via email!), I got the sweetest package ever from Monkey and Mama, which included lots of treats for Elle from their local store in Colorado (so funny - we picked up the package from the package room in the garage of my building and Elle went NUTS. She just KNEW there was something good inside for her!), a Whole Foods gift card for me, a sweet handwritten note from Monkey, and these adorable pictures, which are now displayed on my bulletin board in my kitchen!

Me and Elle

My favorite part of this pic is obviously that he made sure to give her a pink collar!! 

How freaking cute are those pics?!
Thank you so much to 3barefeet and Monkey, your sweet package definitely lifted my spirits and I smile every time I see Monkey's drawings in the kitchen!

I also got a sweet card from my ambulance chaser friend Kristin, which her hilarious and adorable son Ean picked out. Ean is a big Elle fan too! They also sent me a gift card, which was totally not deserved but much appreciated!

And of course I can't forget my wonderful and hilarious friend and sorority sister, Sarah, who recently hopped on the twitter bandwagon. She sent me the sweetest card and picture this week just to let me know that I am loved, which totally touched my heart and made me smile. And as if that wasn't enough she also got me a Bliss gift card so I can have a little pampering. I can't decide if I want to treat myself now or wait until January/February when I'm up to my ears in bar exam studying again to use it!

Thank you so much to my wonderful friends... both "real" and "virtual". And I know I have said it before but thank you to everyone who sends me e-mails or comments on the blog. They all mean so much to me!

I am feeling very loved this week, and you all have made me smile more than you can imagine!

Project Runaway

I realized last night that I never shared with you the details of the oh so fabulous party I attended last month... my dear friend Brad and his roommate hosted a party at their building as a joint housewarming/Brad's birthday party. The theme was "Project Runaway" which was obviously a knock off of the show Project Runway. 


From the invitation:

We’ve been in our place for 4 months now, so we figured it’s about time to have our Housewarming Party! It’s also around the same time as Bradley’s birthday, so we have two reasons to drink!

Join us for our Project Run-a-way Party from 8pm-12am! Here’s the deal:

• The competition begins promptly at 9:00pm and teams will have an hour and a half to create their garment. Teams not present at the start of the competition will be disqualified.
• The challenge will be announced the night of the party, not before.
• Teams of 3-6 people. Please send me a facebook message with your team names and team members by Monday September 6th. Late entrants will not be allowed to participate. (We need to make sure we buy enough fabric) If you need a team, please let me know and I’ll place you on one.
• Teams will be responsible for providing their own models, the model should be someone on your team.
• Models will be given a half hour for makeup and hair. (please provide your own hair and makeup supplies)
• Runway show starts promptly at 11:00pm
• Guest judges will be provided
• Fabric and all other gaudy/glittery do-dads will be provided. Due to these costs, each participant is requested to pay $5.00, regardless of team size.
• We will provide limited glue guns, scissors, duct tape, staplers, and sewing supplies. Please bring whatever else you think you will need to put your garment together. No sewing machines, irons, stitchery, other 'professional' equipment, or your own fabric will be allowed.
• Prizes will be given to the winning team.
• Don’t forget: MAKE IT WORK!!


Basically each team split up, got fabric, and was given the theme, which was "Hooker of the Future". 
It also happened to be a weekend that my mom was in town, so she joined me at the party. She had a great time... it was SO funny.
No, seriously though... It was hilarious. 


You know what they say... a picture is worth a thousand words. Here goes....

These "tights" were made out of PINK DUCT TAPE. 

(Yes, that would be Momma Fabulous fixing the hair of the famous Mike)

 

this is roommate Kevin's boyfriend... RAWR!

Unfortunately my team did not make it past the first round, but it was HYSTERICAL.  So, been to any good housewarming or birthday parties lately? HA!

Beautiful weekend

The weather in Chicago was beautiful this weekend, so Elle Woods and I spent a lot of time at the dog beach.
(where people were picnicking and gave my dog potato chips, but let's just be grateful that I didn't end up and jail and move on to pretty pictures instead of dwelling on my rage instead, k?)

Also - my sweet friend Elizabeth sent me a dozen beautiful roses last week as a "sorry you failed the bar exam but I still love you" gesture.  I have taken a gazillion pics of them because now that they're fully bloomed they are beeeyooootiful. And because I'm kind of obsessed with the hipstamatic app on my iphone.

So, the theme of the week around here is going to be remembering to be grateful for the small things, even when in general things are kinda shitty. So this week I am grateful for my sweet dog who loves me lots even though she can be a giant pain in the ass at times, and for good friends who care about me.
And of course I'm grateful for blog readers who care enough to send me e-mails and read what I have to write about. Thanks guys!

It's always something 'round these parts

*warning: do not read if you can't deal with blood/gross stuff. Pictures included.*

Tonight after taking Elle Woods out for her evening constitutional and romp with the puppies of the building, as we were waiting for the elevator I noticed that she had a bloody toe(s).

After she got sick while I was studying for the bar exam in July, I've been extra careful about looking her over to make sure everything is okay... I think she probably just stepped on a rock wrong or something, and usually wouldn't have worried about it all, but since the whole reason she got sick in the first place was due to a blood problem (check out my old posts or google Immune Mediated Hemolytic Anemia if you want deets), I just wanted to make sure she wasn't going to bleed out on my couch and die.

So I did what any good dog momma would do and immediately rushed her to the Emergency Vet asked twitter if she was going to die. Between me and the Interwebz, we decided that she's going to be fine.

Oh, and while I was on the floor taking pics of her bloody foot for purposes of diagnosis, I decided that I needed to have something for a size comparison, since everyone is always asking me just how big Elle actually is.

So that's what a 137 pound* Great Dane princess foot looks like. With Blood.

It's always something 'round these parts, isn't it?

*yes, 137 pounds now. she has put on THIRTY-TWO pounds since she got sick in July. Prednisone has made my waif-like model girl average sized. So sad. 

No worries - I'm alive!

First of all - thank you SO much everyone for your comments and e-mails on Friday and over the weekend. I really really appreciated it! (aside from the few asshole comments on twitter... but you people suck anyway).

I actually took the news way better than I expected. Obviously I would have loved to have good news to share, but like I said before, I wasn't shocked. I didn't do everything bar/bri told me to do, I didn't do any practice essays, etc. Basically I slacked off and I paid the price for it.  (seriously though - I got my score report. I did well on the multiple choice and totally bombed the essays. Duh. I'm an idiot for not doing practice essays. Double Duh.)

As of right now I am 75% sure I am going to take the Illinois bar again in February. Since I only work about 20 hours a week I will continue working at my job while I study. I am probably not going to take bar/bri again since I found myself dicking around on twitter most of the 3 hour lectures anyway.

And fortunately/unfortunately a couple of my friends failed too, so I am not the only one and definitely won't be studying by myself this time around. 

Without a doubt the very worst part is that I have to wait so long until I can take it again... not until the end of February, which means no results until April. I wish I could take it again next month and get the results right away. The waiting is by far the worst part. 

And now so this post isn't all depressing (seriously I'm considering re-naming my blog to "White Girl Problems: Tales from the trenches"), here is a pic of my beautiful friends who were married on Saturday. The wedding was beautiful and so much fun. And the bride will be graduating in December so we will take the February bar together!

Hope everyone else had a good weekend!

I promise to be back tomorrow with pretty pictures of Elle. :)

Failed

Well fuck.
I failed.

Thanks for the well wishes... Now I have to decide what to do from here. I was planning on taking the Texas bar exam in February, so now I have to decide if I want take Texas in February or re-take Illinois.

Fuck.