Thursday, July 29, 2010
I survived the bar exam. Hopefully I never have to do it again.
Much thanks to Namby and Daisy for guest blogging while I was gone, and HUGE thanks to Daisy and B and Rhett Butler for keeping Elle Woods this week. She had lots of fun!
And of course thanks to all of you for your thoughts, prayers, and good luck tweets/texts/comments/e-mails. They were all very much appreciated!
As for how it went.... Meh. I think the essays were a little better than I expected (there were definitely at least two essays that I knew NOTHING about, but I figured that would happen), and then multiple choice was a little worse than I expected. So, hopefully it all balances out and I knew enough to get a passing score. (fingers crossed!). We are supposed to find out October 1stish, so I won't know anything for a while.... So until then, I will just be drinking and sleeping and possibly getting my life back in order.
At the very least, I've lived to tell about it.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Daisy, Just Daisy
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
My name is The Namby Pamby and I am alcoholic. What? Wrong meeting? Whoops…
As all of you know, Legally Fab is presently sitting for the Illinois Bar Exam. (You may now commence your Hail Mary's, Oh S**** and other religious incantations).
She has asked me to take the reins from her for a day and I gladly accepted.
For those of you not familiar with the Bar Exam, it is a pleasant experience that has absolutely no stress involved whatsoever…if you have taken enough of the appropriate medications. It goes something like: (1) Enter your test room, (2) Check in, (3) Sit down, (4) Shut up, (5) Willingly submit to the cavity search, (6) Get your test booklets, (7) Begin the test and (8) Weep softly to yourself for the next 7 hours.
It's a treat, I assure you.
When I was done with the first day, I felt surprisingly good. Good enough to go out with one of my non-lawyer friends and get drunk. Before 7p.m.
If she is doing that tonight, we all know that she had a good first day.
Daisy will be in here tomorrow. Or at least this is what I have been led to believe. But for now, send good vibes to Chicago. And send supplies of alcohol, as we all know that LegallyFab will be out in force come tomorrow night.
Monday, July 26, 2010
I got a package from her last week but figured maybe it was just more sweet tarts, smarties (they make you smart!) and Starbucks gift cards (study diet of champs!).
Saturday night I got home from the library and checked the mail to find a small package in my mailbox.
The package was addressed to "[legally fabulous] and Elle Woods"
(yeah, being a kooky dog lady runs in the family)
In the package: Holy Water.
And a note:"this is for your mind and Elle's body. XO, mom"
I was like ohhh ok thanks mom... ?
Uhhh. WTF Do I do with Holy Water?!
So yesterday I'm texting with Just Lovely Katherine and I was like "yeahhh I don't really know what I'm supposed to do with it? I'm probably going to mix it with vodka and chug it."
Then I came home from the library tonight, and saw that Elle peed on the two things that were laying on my bed: my MPQ vol 2 book (bar exam practice questions for you non bar takers) and the holy water package.
With Holy Water still inside.
That's a BAD sign if I've ever seen one.
(Dear God - I'm sorry about the vodka joke. I wouldn't REALLY have chugged the Holy Water. Oh and I'm also sorry for the jokes I made in my head to myself during the reading about Sodom and Gomorrah at Mass on Saturday. Please don't strike me down. Xoxo, LF)
Sunday, July 25, 2010
The fact that a person has a couple of balls really should NOT make it that hard to understand that Circulon cookware CAN NOT go in the dishwasher.
And while my current penis-toting roommate is definitely better than my old penis-toting roommate, they both SUCK at loading the dishwasher. (and I'm not just basing these statements on them). My old roommate? Bowls and cups, FACE UP, on the top shelf. HOW IN THE HELL IS THAT BOWL GOING TO GET CLEAN LIKE THAT?! And when you open the dishwasher and there are bowls full of water?! Ughhhhh. SO ANNOYING.
Namby is going to be guest blogging for me this week... maybe he can address this issue?
(waiting for a comment about Namby's penis in 5....4....)
Sick of nothing of but thinking, talking, texting, tweeting, (and of course blogging) about nothing but the damn bar exam.*
And I am so tired.
Tired of cleaning freaking dog piss up from all over the place. Tired of being woken up every 3 hours to get dressed and take the dog outside. (notice how when I'm referring to her cute and lovingly she's 'Elle' but she's just 'the dog' when I'm at my wit's end?) Oh, and I am SO tired of doing pee soaked laundry. I'm not sure my house will EVER smell normal again.**
Thank freaking goodness the end is near, whether I'm prepared for it or not.***
*trust me, I'm aware that you guys and all my real life friends are sick of hearing about it.
**yes, I realize none of this is her fault and it's because of the roids she's taking. But it doesn't make me any less exhausted from it all.
*** I'm not.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
We went in to the vet this AM for another blood draw - the vet said right away that Elle was looking much better and said she could even tell that her blood looked better when she was taking it. Yay!
And the bloodwork confirmed - steroids appear to be working and she is on the mend! Yay!
And on Saturday we get to take her down to 'roids once a day instead of twice a day, so hopefully she'll stop wetting the bed when that happens (twice in the span of 4 hours last night. good times)
And of course the best part of the blood draw? Today's bandage is pink! Pink makes it all feel better, duh.
While we were waiting on the results from bloodwork Elle decided that she was thirsty and would drink from the leaky faucet in the exam room. She was cracking me up so I had to get a pic and a video.
Sometimes it's very convenient to be counter height.
Back to the books - thanks for the good thoughts everyone!
Oh and also? We both sleep like rocks, which means that her bed wetting has been when I was home, and not because she needed to go out and no one was around to take her out, but because she was passed the hell out and didn't wake up, so she peed the bed. Similar to a toddler.
Except not really that similar to a toddler, because if you saw the urine stain I woke up to yesterday/this morning, you would know that no toddler could have made this mess. Yes, Elle Woods pees the bed like a passed out frat boy.
So after doing a bunch of urine soaked laundry and cleaning my mattress with an oxiclean/water mixture and spritzing with vinegar, I went and purchased a plastic mattress protector. Just like any good frat boy would have.
I put it on the bed before I left for the library, but didn't put the sheets on top of it. I had good reasoning for this. I figured if I was lucky Elle would be scared of the noisy plastic and not get on the bed. And even if she got over the noise and peed it would just puddle on the plastic mattress protector and not get sheets dirty again. (I don't have a washer/dryer in my condo. It's a PITA to do laundry).
Came home from the library and SUCCESS! No urine.
Sat down at my desk to study, Elle got up on the plastic covered but sheetless mattress and slept while I studied some more. Then she got up to get another drink. And when I looked at the bed, I noticed that she had peed. No big deal, I'll just wipe it up. Except since the mattress had no sheets over it, when she jumped up on the bed, her nail poked a hole in the new mattress protector. And that hole? Precisely where she laid. And urinated. Meaning that there was a puddle of piss UNDER the mattress protector.
So I had to unzip the freaking plastic (because I'm the idiot that got the protector that zips around the whole mattress. fml), peel it back, and repeat the oxiclean/water/vinegar/fan routine. I'm currently waiting on the mattress to dry so I can zip it back up and put sheets on and go to bed.
And I just patched the hole with electrical tape. Because I am ghetto.
All I can do at this point is laugh.
Also - wanted to say thanks to everyone for the tweets/comments/e-mails, etc. on my last couple of posts. Sometimes I get really weird/idiot/asshole feedback on blog posts and I wonder why the hell I even blog. And then sometimes I get so many great responses that I can't imagine what I'd do without my own little corner of the internet to bitch/share funny stories in. Thanks for helping me down off the ledge.
Now let's get this dog fixed up and get this bar exam over with, how 'bout it?!
*Confession: Sometimes in blog posts I purposely refer to her as Elle instead of Elle Woods because if I'm using her name in the possessive, e.g. Elle's steroid treatment, I don't know if it is supposed to be Elle Woods' or Elle Woods's and no matter which one is correct neither looks right. I iz dumb.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Vet called this morning to say that initial bloodwork points to a diagnosis of IMHA - Immune Mediated Hemolytic Anemia.
I don't know cause or the treatment, other than that she is likely to be on steroids for the next 3-6 months.
And if you don't follow me on Twitter - she's slightly perkier but still not feeling well. She peed the bed last night (side effect from the steroids), so I just went to Bed Bath and Beyond and purchased a new pillow and plastic mattress protector.
We go back in at 9AM tomorrow for more bloodwork. Hopefully I'll get some more answers then.
Thanks for the good thoughts and sweet e-mails re: Elle Woods, the bar exam, etc. I appreciate it all!
I yelled at my friends who panicked.
But I am behaving in such un-fabulous fashion right now.
I am not quite panicking yet. But ohhhh I'm on the brink.
I've procrastinated all summer. I actually did stop partying and going out after July 4th... but I don't know what the hell I've been doing for the last 2 weeks.
I haven't been following bar/bris schedule. In fact I've barely looked at it. I just went to lectures and half-assed paid attention all summer. And then I did some practice MBE problems.
Basically I did everything that everyone says not to do. Because I'm a big fucking idiot.
And now, here I am.
And if I fail the bar exam, I have absolutely no one to blame but myself. (at least I said if, and not when)
So here's what I need:
- I need you to tell me about how you never did a practice essay and passed the bar exam.
- I need you to tell me about your friend/spouse/classmate who is a big fucking idiot and passed the bar exam.
- Or how you/your friend didn't study until the week before and never went to barbri and passed the exam.
- I need my dog to stop barfing/diarrhea-ing/bleeding, etc.
- I need to eat something other than sweetarts for dinner.
- Prayers, karmic vibes, love and light, etc.
What I don't need:
- To keep dicking around on the internet.
- To let this near-panic evolve into full-blown panic.
- For someone to comment"you'll be fine" "you'll be great" "you're gonna pass". If you do, I will cut you. (See this post from Thanks, but No Thanks for elaboration.)
*EDITED TO ADD: I feel better just getting this out on "paper". I've made a study schedule for the next 8 days. I chatted with a friend who talked me off the ledge. I am going to get some sleep and wake up tomorrow prepared to tackle the day. Do not call social services on me just yet.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
So when I wrote about Elle's bloody vagina on Wednesday, it was kind of funny. I wasn't really worried.
It's not so funny anymore.
She went to daycare on Thursday and they said she was fine... she came home and slept about 18 hours on Thursday night after daycare, but that's not unusual for post daycare. But last night when we went outside I noticed that she was limping. And moving EXTRA slow. Now Elle Woods isn't exactly a fast mover... while she does run around like a wild banshee at the dog beach, in general she's pretty lethargic. But I could tell that she was being even MORE lethargic than usual. I also looked in her ears and noticed some bloody looking spots, similar to her bloody looking vagina. So I decided better safe than sorry, I'm taking her into the vet.
I had my alarm set early for this morning so I could call and make an appointment, but I was so tired and she wasn't up yet, so we just slept late. Then when we got up to go outside at noon and she was limping even worse than last night on her right foot/leg, and moving even slower than usual. So I grabbed my keys, got in the car, and started driving to the vet. Of course I called to let them know we were coming in.
The call went like this:
Dramatic much? Whoops.
As we were checking out the receptionist was like "I got really worried when you said she was dying. And then when I got off the phone I was like 'Wow, that was the most upbeat 'my dog is dying' phone call I've ever gotten.'" Ha.
Luckily they did get her in very quickly (if anyone in Chicago needs a vet I HIGHLY recommend Gold Coast Animal Hospital on Division. They are pricey but they are SO WONDERFUL) and looked at her.
The vet said that she didn't think Elle Woods was dying, but it's a good thing that I brought her in.
We ran through her symptoms - lethargy, bloody looking but not bloody vagina, limping on her front right leg, bloody looking spots in her ears, bruised looking spots on her side, etc.
Here are a couple of pics of her wounds for those of you who care (vag pic omitted, you're welcome)
inside of ear:
better view of inside of ear (usually it's just pink, no red spots!)
The vet also saw some spots on her gums that I hadn't noticed, since i had only checked to see that they were pink (dog owners - did you know this? If your dogs gums are white, it means they are sick sick sick. I think it usually indicates internal bleeding but can be indicative of a couple other serious sickies). (I tried to take a pic of her gums but none of the spots showed up so you'll have to trust me on this one).
They ran some initial bloodwork at the vet. Elle looked prettttyyyy pathetic while we were waiting on the results. :(
The vet said that initial results came back as her having low platelet counts and anemia. We're not sure of the cause just yet... could be something tic-borne, could be autoimmune. She is starting on a high dose of steroids and an antibiotic. She will have to take the steroids for the next 3-6 months.
And of course, like everything, the amount of medicine goes by weight, and they don't carry high dose pills because most dogs don't need them. So poor baby will be taking 7 pills twice a day for at least the next 3 weeks. And the steroids are likely to make her drink a lot of water and pee a lot. GRRREAT. Because ya know, living on the 52nd floor and all, it's super easy to just run outside for a potty break. Ugh.
I am just crossing my fingers that this works! They are sending her blood out to another lab for more tests and we should get those results back on Monday. Then Tuesday I have to take her back in again for more bloodwork to see if the steroids are working.
When we got home I had to ask a random man in the parking garage to help me lift her out of the car because she wouldn't get out (oh the joys of being a "single parent" to a 110 pound dog!). The only time she's done that before was when I brought her home from getting spayed, so I definitely know she is sick!
But for right now, she seems perfectly content just to be resting.
Oh, and how could I forget to mention?
Holy hell I need a job. Like NOW.
But tonight, I am not at a bar drinking. I am studying. And I had to get out of the house, because I needed a change of scenery, wanted to ride my bike, etc. So I rode my bike to the 24 hour Starbucks that's not too far away. The 24 hour Starbucks by me is on a busy street corner full of windows, so there is ample people watching. And it's sort of on the cusp of Wrigleyville and Boystown.... so the people watching is a nice mix of just out of college moved to the city frat douche, flaming homos, and everything in between.
It's relatively quiet, and the people inside were relatively normal... until this guy showed up, with a giant full backpack. I noticed it was large but didn't really think twice about it.
Until he began to unpack it.
... and unloaded a full desktop computer.
At Starbucks. At 11:15 on a Friday night.
a DESKTOP COMPUTER!
And that's when I knew it was time for me to pack it up and head home.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Let me try to make a long story short:
I always make fun of people who tweet/get tweeted by celebrities on twitter. Because it's so lame.
My friend Ben and my roommate Kevin tweet celebrities all the time. But not in a creepy "OmG Justin BieBz! I LoVe YoUzzz!" and "Kim Kardashian! It's my birthday! Wish me happy birthday!" kinda way. In a funny way. They are just kidding. And It's funny. (maybe just to us, I don't know).
So obviously you guys saw last week when I tweeted Lindsay Lohan. Hilarious.Well, at least I thought so. (p.s. I am fully aware that a lot of you probably don't think this is funny at all. That's fine. I'm cracking my own shit up over here, and that's really all that matters.)
So Tuesday was my friend's birthday. and he tweets me: I'm going to get a celebrity to wish me happy birthday!" And I'm cracking up. Because I'm sleepy and delirious and it's funny.
So then he starts tweeting things like this, which I'm naturally re-tweeting.
So he decides to start tweeting Aaron Schock - a Republican Congressman from Illinois. (Peetreeman LOVES being a Republican, by the way).
So I was thinking.... well if Peetreeman is going to get birthday wishes, I need to get in on this. It's not my birthday, but I can always find a way to make it about me!!!! (Sorry birthday boy).
SO then I decided to get back on the Peetree birthday train.
I figured the Big Guy is busy so he deserved two chances....
But he must have been extra busy on Tuesday. :(
So obviously I'll keep you guys posted if I get any good luck tweets... The good news is that I don't have to vote Democrat in 2012! Ha
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I came home from the library tonight.
I walked in, set my bag down, gave Elle a hug and a kiss, and asked her how her day was. Ya know, standard evening routine here at Casa de Fabulous. And as I'm petting her and telling her about my dayI look down and realize that her vagina. is bleeding.
Are you still with me here?
Yes. Her vagina. Is bleeding.
And YES - she is fixed. She got spayed when she was 10 months old. She has never gone into heat. BECAUSE SHE GOT SPAYED.
And her vagina? IT IS BLEEDING.
And I could go into way more detail than that if you want. I could even post a picture. But I think you get the gist.
If not, let me recap for you: Dog. Fixed. Bloody Box.
Because ya know, the bar exam isn't 12 days away. And I don't have anything to study. Or worry about. aldkfjasl;dfjkal;sdfadfjs.
(sidenote: I'm not like SUPER concerned about it. she's acting fine. it's not GUSHING blood. it's just... weird. and makes no sense. and wtf i'm supposed to be studying i don't have time to worry about this shit?)
La la la packing my bag for the last day of bar/bri lecture.
Boy it sure is late. That stinks, especially because I have to be awake in 3.5 hours now.
Mmmmkay what do I need to bring to class with me? Lecture outline, snack, eye drops, wallet, sunglasses.... do I want to come home after lecture? Or do I want to go to the library and study? If I go to the library I'm going to need to pack my outline book. And probably some notecards. And my computer. And ughhhh carrying that computer on the bus during rush hour in the morning is really going to suck. Maybe I should just come home after lecture. But will I get anything done? Or will I take the dog to the beach and cook lunch and dick around? Okay I should definitely go to the library after class. Or at least a coffee shop. Okay so...
In the bag - wallet, sunglasses, no rain tomorrow so umbrella comes out, outline book, computer power cord, blank notecards, pencil bag...
Where is my pencil bag?!
(Yes, I have a pencil bag. Full of highlighters and pens and pencils and white out and all the things that I NEED to get through any day, and ESPECIALLY for a day of learning.)
I've been using it all day! Where is it? Under the bed? Under the desk? Under the pile of blankets/pillows on the floor because I didn't make my bed today?! Underneath Elle?! (lots of stuff gets lost underneath Elle... it's a possibility).
Oh my God it's 3:37 AM and I can't find itttt Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. What am I going to do?! How is this even possible? I just had it before I took a bath. OMG did I bring it into the bathroom with me? Am I really losing my mind? OMGGGGGGGGGGGG it's not in the bathroom!
And then I looked down. And there it was. Inside my bag. With all of my other things, packed and ready to go.
And then I said to Elle (yes, we talk) "Elle. I'm gonna need you to go ahead and kick my ass now. I'm being a total douchebag." And Elle rolled her eyes at me, as if to say "No shit. I'm getting really sick of you, asshole. Get it together."
So I said "You're right Elle. My apologies. I promise to come up with a plan to get a study schedule under control for the next 13 days. There is no reason for incidents such as what just took place to happen again."
As if a sign from God, I get this gchat from a bar study friend.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
So basically I'm just in a funk about my life and have been throwing a giant pity party.
And I have no motivation to study for the bar exam. Which is ridiculous. Like hello, do I want to study for it again in January and February? HELL NO. That should be motivation enough. Not to mention how freaking embarrassing it will be if I fail. Like REALLY embarassing.
Even watching Legally Blonde and Erin Brockovich haven't done it for me... and seriously? Those movies ALWAYS motivate me.
For my 25th birthday in May my mom made me a photo book of some of her favorite pictures from my life thus far. She did such a great job of picking out the pics that really represent "me." First days of school, dance recitals, first time ever to wear pink, basketball games, high school proms, etc. (oh, and she even made sure not to include a single picture of the ex, which must have been a real challenge because I think almost every picture that exists of me from age 16-22 included him! thanks mom!).
So last night after dinner, I flipped open that book. I needed a reminder of what I've been working for all these years. Because for pretty much 25 years now, I've wanted to be a lawyer. This is why my parents paid private school tuition K-12, out of state college, and private law school. So I can pass this damn bar exam and be a freaking lawyer. So here are a few of the pictures that are motivating me to hit the books for the next 15 days.
I wish I had a picture of me winning the school-wide spelling bee and going on to compete in the Diocesan spelling bee in 8th grade. I would probably say aside from getting my J.D. this is one of my proudest moments in academia. HA!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
So many projects I'm working on.**
Roommate Kevin and I sat down and had serious roommate discussion the other night. We are ready for a change.
So for tonight, the number one goal on my very important and impressive to do list*** is to figure out how to change our wireless network name. We're just so bored with "Network[Condo#]. Other people around us have funny and witty network names like "Fierce Network Tranny", "BuckFutters", and the oh so popular "2Wire123".
After I google "how to change wireless internet name" I'm going to need inspiration. This is where you guys come in.**** We were thinking "Trap Den Wireless" or possibly "Crackhouse Internetz".
What do you guys think? What is your wireless internet name?! Guesses on how many people read this and tell me to stop dicking around on the internet and go study?! HELP!
Thanks interwebz! you guys are the best!!!
*not really. just bar exam "studying"
**yeah, not really. just bar exam. Also - does it annoy the hell out of anyone else when people refer to regular life shit as "projects". Like "oh I have so many projects I'm working on! Like cleaning my house and going to the gym!" No asshole, those aren't projects. That's life.
***my to do list currently reads "study for the bar". FYI - if you're wondering - that item has not been crossed off.
**** how would I ever be able to accomplish anything in my life if I didn't have commenters?! and google?!
In the midst of trying to study and listening to depressing country music tonight, I got this e-mail from one of my law school friends which immediately lifted my spirits.
(backstory - my friends roommate is legit one of the weirdest dudes I've ever met in my life. Hilarious, but just freaking weird. Prime example - he once told a girl in a bar that he was a dolphin trainer to get her to sleep with him. And it worked. He also brings disgusting girls home all the time to my friend N's house).
So tonight I get this e-mail from N - sent to me and 2 of our other law school buddies.
(* click on the pics to enlarge so you can read the text)
Here is a larger shot of the attached picture -
and the reply emails:
So yeah, maybe we're just losing our damn minds trying to study for the bar. Maybe not.