Woe is Me

Listening to people bitch is exhausting. And if you want to smack people who bitch and complain about their lives, consider yourself warned that now is the time for you to just click on out to the next funny on the internet, because there is no funny happening here right now.

I was having a decently okay day, kind of annoyed about the crappy weather and all of the usual annoying things in my life, but nothing too huge. I cleaned my room, cleaned out my closet, and was going to Bed Bath and Beyond to purchase a new trash can because Ms. Elle Woods has figured out how to open mine to help herself to whatever garbage is inside. Isn't she a gem?

So I'm stopped a red light, checking my e-mail, when a cop going in the opposite direction decides to whip around, pull me over, and give me a ticket for not using a hands free device. Okay, whatever, I know I broke the law... but give me a break. WE have one of the highest murder rates in the country, and you're going to give me a ticket for checking my e-mail at a red light?  Fuck you Oprah.
Oh and also? I got a ticket for not having a city sticker. I was under the impression that you have to have a certain sticker to park in Chicago. Since I park in a parking garage I do not have one. NOPE, Mr. Police officer says, ANYONE WHO DRIVES IN CHICAGO has to have this sticker. What a fucking joke.
So basically this just totally sent me into a downward spiral of anger and self-loathing and wah wah I hate my life. So THANK YOU, Mr. Chicago police officer for serving and protecting. Grrr.

So here's where I'm going to go through and tell you everything that I hate about my life right now. Because maybe getting it off my chest will make me feel better?

First off - I'm broke. And not like "wahhh I want to take trips" broke. Like I haven't been to the grocery store in weeks because I can't. I am behind on bills because I can't pay them.
I know I wrote that I have a job, which don't get me wrong I am SO grateful for (and am actually learning a lot at!), but I am working 20 hours a week making 15 dollars an hour.
I have a JD, student loans coming due in November, and I make 300 dollars a week and live in Chicago. I literally cannot afford to live. (and I know so many of my classmates and other new grads are in the same situation. It just really sucks).

Oh and this is just a minor thing, but I joined eharmony and it's so awful it's depressing. I haven't dated anyone in 3.5 years. And I realize I'm still young, but it's kind of depressing to think about. Most of the time I don't really let it bother me, but on this long holiday weekend? I admit, I was feeling a little lonely.

I keep gaining weight. Because I get depressed, and I eat my feelings, and then I gain weight, and I get sad again, and I eat more. And it's a vicious cycle.

My mom technically doesn't have cancer at the moment, but the doctor basically said "you will always have cancer, it's just a matter of keeping it at bay." So anytime she is acting bitchy or "off", as she was this past week, I automatically assume she just had a doctor's appointment and got bad news. It's always there in the back of my mind. FUCK CANCER.

I've taken medicine for depression since high school. I have had a couple bouts of some pretty serious depression but I've managed it well with medication. My medication is currently not covered by the AWESOME insurance I had to purchase for myself for $140 a month. I had to switch from the medication that was working well to something that's working just sort of okay, and it's $150 a month. And I've stopped taking my adderall altogether, because I can't afford it, which makes me even crazier than usual. Even my friends have started to notice I'm not "properly medicated."

Elle is still sick. She's doing a little better, but she's far from 100%. She is on a very high dose of steroids, which make her eat and drink like crazy. And because she's eating and drinking like crazy, she has to go outside ALL the time. I haven't slept more than 5 hours at a time since July. And she pees inside all the time. My house smells like pee. It's awful. And I feel so bad, because I can't get mad at her, because she can't help it (she is a heavy sleeper and often pees in her sleep). I have done more laundry in the last 6 weeks than I've done in the past year. And of course the laundry is EXPENSIVE (2 dollars to wash and 2 dollars to dry each load), it's in the basement so it's like a 2 hour process, and it sucks. I have 800 candles burning at all times to try to get rid of the smell. I'm having the carpets cleaned tomorrow so hopefully it will help, even though it's really embarrassing, because seriously? They're GROSS.
Oh and the eating and drinking all the time? She is currently eating 80 dollars worth of food every 10 days. I can't afford to go to the grocery store for myself because I'm spending all my money on my damn dog.

And then? As if I'm not feeling bad enough about myself and my life, I start feeling guilty for feeling depressed.  Because I KNOW that I really DON'T have it that bad. Other people are broke too, and their parents can't afford to help them out. I KNOW that I'm lucky.  But that's the funny thing about depression. IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. I know that this is temporary, things really are not THAT bad, but that doesn't keep me from being unable to get out of bed for days at a time except to take the dog out.

So anyway... I didn't write all of this so you can feel sorry for me... more because ya know, it's my blog, I write about what I want. And right now? I want to write about how my life sucks. Ugh.
Tomorrow I will have cute dog pictures. Promise.