Oh and also? We both sleep like rocks, which means that her bed wetting has been when I was home, and not because she needed to go out and no one was around to take her out, but because she was passed the hell out and didn't wake up, so she peed the bed. Similar to a toddler.
Except not really that similar to a toddler, because if you saw the urine stain I woke up to yesterday/this morning, you would know that no toddler could have made this mess. Yes, Elle Woods pees the bed like a passed out frat boy.
So after doing a bunch of urine soaked laundry and cleaning my mattress with an oxiclean/water mixture and spritzing with vinegar, I went and purchased a plastic mattress protector. Just like any good frat boy would have.
I put it on the bed before I left for the library, but didn't put the sheets on top of it. I had good reasoning for this. I figured if I was lucky Elle would be scared of the noisy plastic and not get on the bed. And even if she got over the noise and peed it would just puddle on the plastic mattress protector and not get sheets dirty again. (I don't have a washer/dryer in my condo. It's a PITA to do laundry).
Came home from the library and SUCCESS! No urine.
Sat down at my desk to study, Elle got up on the plastic covered but sheetless mattress and slept while I studied some more. Then she got up to get another drink. And when I looked at the bed, I noticed that she had peed. No big deal, I'll just wipe it up. Except since the mattress had no sheets over it, when she jumped up on the bed, her nail poked a hole in the new mattress protector. And that hole? Precisely where she laid. And urinated. Meaning that there was a puddle of piss UNDER the mattress protector.
So I had to unzip the freaking plastic (because I'm the idiot that got the protector that zips around the whole mattress. fml), peel it back, and repeat the oxiclean/water/vinegar/fan routine. I'm currently waiting on the mattress to dry so I can zip it back up and put sheets on and go to bed.
And I just patched the hole with electrical tape. Because I am ghetto.
All I can do at this point is laugh.
Also - wanted to say thanks to everyone for the tweets/comments/e-mails, etc. on my last couple of posts. Sometimes I get really weird/idiot/asshole feedback on blog posts and I wonder why the hell I even blog. And then sometimes I get so many great responses that I can't imagine what I'd do without my own little corner of the internet to bitch/share funny stories in. Thanks for helping me down off the ledge.
Now let's get this dog fixed up and get this bar exam over with, how 'bout it?!
*Confession: Sometimes in blog posts I purposely refer to her as Elle instead of Elle Woods because if I'm using her name in the possessive, e.g. Elle's steroid treatment, I don't know if it is supposed to be Elle Woods' or Elle Woods's and no matter which one is correct neither looks right. I iz dumb.
I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you to go through this illness with Elle exactly as the bar exam approaches. You are a far, far better woman than I for reacting to this situation with humor rather than rage. I was already impressed that you own a Great Dane while living in a high rise, and now I am a gazillion times more humbled. I am sending you hugs, prayers, thoughts and whatever else you're willing to accept <3
ReplyDeleteOh poor Elle! We've been there and done that as with U.K. our golden. He was always so embarrased. He would look up at us and star while he was going with these eyes that say "I know I'm not supposed to do this, but I can't stop, it won't stop." You're a good, good mommy!
ReplyDeletehahahahaha im the same way about your side note on Elle Woods' or Elle Woods's.
ReplyDeletemy girl slightly undone (http://www.slightlyundone.com/), her dog had something happen to him and he couldnt walk, and his brain didnt send the message to his body for when he needed to potty. she now puts a diaper on him like a belt so that when he pees, it doesnt get on everything. maybe you should look into getting Elle Woods a diaper, for the time being. It may sound dumb, but it seems like it would be worth it.
I hope that Elle gets beter soon. You certainly do not need this additional stress right now.
ReplyDeleteMy dog growing up, Prissy, had a very, very sensitive stomach (I know EW does, too). She only ever peed on my bed once (and I deserved it). But oh, did she get the shits like no other! Like, projectile diarrhea. On the wall (impressive for a dog that stood only 12 inches tall). On my guitar (I went through a guitar phase in high school). On my text book (that the school owned, and yes, I tried but did not succeed turning it back in). The most memorable time, however, I was lying on my bed, talking on my (blue cordless) phone, all high school style, and then suddenly smelled the most horrible smell I could imagine. Only to look around to see WTF it was and see Prissy had had the shits all over my bed. Where I was lying. I feel you! And I hope EW feels better soon!
ReplyDeleteFor the record (and not that you care, but I like knowing things and sharing them) the possessive of Elle Woods is Elle Woods's. It would only be s' if adding the extra s would result in three "ess" sounds in a row like "Jesus's" (which is wrong. It should be Jesus').
ReplyDeleteGood luck at the vet this morning! Keep us posted.
You are such a good mommy to take care of Elle. I know that has to be stressful, but I'm sure Elle appreciates you taking care of her. Good luck to you both.
ReplyDeleteAlso, love the ghetto electrical tape. Whatever gets the job done, right? :)
Oh I feel so bad for both of you!! Hope she starts feeling better!!!
ReplyDeleteSo happy to hear that Elle is going better and the steroids are working. Sorry it came during such bad timing. And ghetto electrical tape? I'm thinking thats damn innovative of you. You think outside of the box like that some more and there will be a lawyer on our hands before you know it. Be afraid bar exam, be very afraid of this lady.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I live in the burbs and was wondering if you think a high rise or a smaller brownstone like apartment building is better for a big dog? Debating for when I move with my lab and I feel high rises can't be dog friendly?
My dad, who is very good at fixing all things, would tell you that black electrical tape does not make you ghetto. It just makes you smart and resourceful (but he wouldn't use that word)...rather he'd say something like "why in the h--- would you go out and buy another one when you can fix the one you got?!" In Dad's book, black electrical tape can fix anything :)
ReplyDelete